


They Love Not Poison That Do Poison Need

by Shx-insp (kevin_solo)



Series: Post Sozin's Comet [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Assassination, Canon compliment, Coming Out, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, No Romance, Not Beta Read, Post-Canon, The first chapter is based on Richard II, then it becomes its own thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26356063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kevin_solo/pseuds/Shx-insp
Summary: Having Ozai locked away has caused Zuko nothing but trouble, so when he makes an off handed comment about how he wishes he could be free of him, one subject decides to matters into his own hand to rid the Fire Lord of his living fear.
Relationships: Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Post Sozin's Comet [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2042494
Comments: 9
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I was discussing Richard II in one of my classes last week and we were talking about how dangerous it is to have a deposed king in prison. I ended up thinking about that in the context of Avatar and this is what I ended up with. I'm no writer and this is my first published piece of fiction since I was a child but I'm trying to pick up hobby during quarantine and this seemed like good practice. Hope you enjoy!

“Sir,” The young assistant head of security, Kenzu, says, “Last night one of the guards apprehended a member of the new Ozai society breaking into the prison. He said that he was trying to free the rightful Fire Lord.”

Zuko falls silent. The war ended 3 years ago, his father no longer controls him and he no longer has any reason to fear the helpless man in that cell, but nearly every day his advisors tell him about a threat to his throne from supporters of the previous ruler and nearly every night memories of what his father did to him, to his mother, and to his sister haunt his dreams. Today, he is particularly tired, last night he had dreamt about the Agni Kai, a normal enough dream for him; he, with all the knowledge and experience he has now, was frozen in his 13 year old body, unable to fight back. The nightmare had woken him up well before sunrise. He tried to get back to sleep but every time he closed his eyes all he could hear was the taunting sounds of his father’s voice and the sizzling of burning flesh. Instead of sleeping, he read Chief Hakota’s last correspondence about sending an ambassador to Cranefish Town for the summit, drafted a letter to Uncle, and sat in the dim candle lit room wishing he could finally be free of his father, of his nightmares, and of his scar that reminds him everyday of the abuse he suffered in his life. He knows that Uncle would tell him that his scar is a part of him, that it marks him for resilience and not as a victim, but when the brush of a pillow on his face causes pain and when he’s surprised by people approaching from his left, it is hard to think of it as a sign of strength. Hearing that people are still fighting for the monster who did that to him, who was responsible for the deaths of thousands, wounds him even though he knows that there have been people conspiring against him since his coronation, but today it feels different. Today he is scared and exhausted and speaks without calculating his words. “I wish I could be free of him.” He says under his breath, briefly making eye contact Kenzu, “Was the intruder arrested?” he asks. 

“Yes, but he’s not providing any useful information.” Kenzu responds. A moment of silence falls in the throne room as he looks at the young ruler through low flames. “Sir, if you want to get rid of Ozai it is well within your rights as Fire Lord to have him executed for his crimes. It may take the fangs out of the New Ozai Society.” He suggests. 

“It’s not the right way.” Zuko responds, refusing to look him in the eye, “It would make them resent me and Aang would not approve. I just wish that I no longer had to worry about him.”

“Yes, my lord” Kenzu answers before stares up at him before being dismissed. He knows that the nation would likely be better off in the end if Ozai was not locked in the tower and he understands why the Fire Lord might want him dead. Kenzu wants him dead, his brother was killed in the war, Ozai sent him to his death and Kenzu’s life has never been the same, he’s desired vengeance since then and even though the Fire Lord won’t admit it he suspects that he feels the same way. As he walks through the palace he cannot stop thinking about the conversation and it begins to dawn on him, Zuko didn’t say he wanted his father alive, he only said that an ordered execution was not the right way to go about it. If Ozai were to die, he would likely be glad, just so long as the death was not directly pinned on the crown and he wouldn’t be held responsible by the Avatar. Kenzu’s position in the government gives him access to the prison, he could go in, do what needs to be done, and then tell him. The Fire Lord would be blameless and Ozai would be no more. The nation could move past the ugly scars of war and into the bright new age that is being built. He ponders over what the best way of going about this should be. It makes sense to do it covertly, to poison him, or slowly, to starve him, so that Zuko is not implicated, but he also, on a base level, want to be more overt about it; Kenzu wants to make his revenge mean something and to set an example of what happens to men like Ozai. What happens in this new post world war to people who abuse their children and who send innocent people off to die. Kenzu decides that poisoning would be the best course of action, it’s clean and simple. He had overheard the Fire Lord and his mother discussing the death of Fire Lord Azulon and knows there is tasteless poison that could be used for the job if he can find a recipe. He knows the Ursa has it but thinks it is best if he keeps the entire royal family from being implicated in what he is about to do. They can’t know until it is done because to avoid Ozai’s blood being on royal hands. 

Kenzu ends up in the vaults of the palace searching ancient scrolls that might have the information he needs. It takes him well over an hour to find a scroll of ancient remedies that contains instruction for a concoction that will assist the sick leave this world with peace and dignity. Voluntary euthenasia had been outlawed under Sozin who saw it as a sign of weakness, but Kenzu knows that it still happens, only now instead of licensed apothecaries providing medicines like the one he holds the recipe for, families would give those dying a little too much pain medicine or leave a bottle open on the table next to patient for them to do with as they please. To the best of Kenzu’s knowledge, this recipes was outlawed and hidden for generation, but luckily the recipe, a mixture of lily, the root of fairly common tree, and some medicinal herbs that should not be too difficult to get his hands on brewed into a tea, should be easy to make. He plans to combine the concoction with regular green tea and sweeten it with honey so that, hopefully, the flavor will be masked. If all goes according to plan the world should be free from Ozai’s presence by sun up.

The rest of the morning and some of the afternoon is spent gathering supplies. Kenzu digs up a small amount of tree root, plucks some lilies, and convinces the palace doctor to give him the herbs he needs, claiming they are for his mother, who has been going through bouts of illness since Kenzu’s brother was killed. By sundown he has a sweetened pot of tea that smells nearly like jasmine and he heads to the prison. He orders his way through the building, telling the guards that he needs to figure out if Ozai had any knowledge of last night’s break in, and sits across from the former ruler in silence as he pours the tea. The man he once swore allegiance to begins to drain the cup, apparently not noticing anything suspicious about the slightly too bitter tea.

“My traitor son is sending servants now to give me tea? He can’t even be bothered to deal with me himself. So, what does he want now?” Ozai sneers as he takes a sip of the tea.

“Nothing.” Kenzu says with a slight smirk, “I came over to remind you that any contact with the outside is strictly prohibited and to inform you that after last night we are interrogating your guards and are stepping up security to insure nothing comes in or goes out of this room that I don’t know about.”

“If you came here to chastise me for breaking the rules, why would you bring tea?” Ozai asks, placing his empty cup on the outside of his cell. Kenzu refills it and Ozai takes another sip.

“I thought if I made you comfortable you would be more likely to comply with us.” Kenzu lies.

“Or what? I know my son is too weak to allow you to do anything to me.” Ozai says.

“It is not a sign of weakness to show mercy.” Kenzu says. He has chosen a merciful death for Ozai, not one of pain and suffering, but one that will, if all goes according to plan, cause him to simply fall asleep and never wake up. While he thinks that he deserves a lot worse than a painless death but he also believes that the undeserved mercy is a strength. “A ruler should be merciful. A throne may show his rule, but mercy makes his people and the world happy.”

“He’s useless. He doesn’t have enough strength to be decisive. He’d rather lock me in here forever rather than just get the job done. A real ruler would act.” Ozai spit as he finishes the second cup of tea.

_ That must be enough, _ Kenzu thinks as he takes the cup back. “Your son is twice the ruler you ever dreamed of being. The Fire Nation freer than we’ve ever been, the world is prosperous, and innocent young people are not being sent to their deaths in a pointless war.” Kenzu counters as he gets up to leave. He doesn’t stay to hear what Ozai says in response. His job is done.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to have this uploaded a few days ago but I got migraine that took forever to go away so it took me a while.   
> Gaang + Iroh will actually show up in the next chapter though!

_ He stands in a room deep underground facing down his father. Lightning crackles in the air and he prepares to redirect it, but he’s too slow, and it hits him square in the chest. He writhes in pain on the cold floor unable to move as his father mocks him for his failure. _

Zuko wakes up with a light gasp with the scar on his chest aching and his heart racing uncomfortably. He leaves his quarter and sends a hawk to Katara in Cranefish Town about his palpitations. He knows it's probably nothing but the fear from his nightmare but on the off chance that it is something she will be angry if he hides it from her and his heart is messed up when she visits next week. After his last Agni Kai with Azula, Katara had given him enough strength to survive the initial shock but the lightning scrabbled him. He ended up fainting and not waking up for nearly 4 days and, apparently, when he was out, his heart kept going haywire. His heartbeat would get dangerously fast and uneven to the point where his friends and uncle were worried he wouldn’t make it. Thanks to Katara’s healing, he pulled through and a week after getting shot he was healthy enough to be crowned. Since then, whenever they see each other she checks his heart to make sure there is no damage. It’s been 3 years now and she hasn’t stopped worrying about it. When Toph’s students “surprised” him by enstaring his ankle in a metal rope last year and Toph pointed out that his heart started beating fast and hard, Katara made him immediately lay down while she tried to heal him. If he hides the fact that he’s been waking up with a racing heart and he ends up having so much as a flutter or a mild murmur next time she checks he’ll never hear the end of it, she’ll never accept that she did a good job healing him, and that he, at least physically, is perfectly fine now.

He considers sending another hawk to his uncle in Ba Sing Se but he just sent one yesterday and he knows that if Uncle ends up receiving two in as many days he will worry. There’s no reason to worry. He’s fine. He can handle a few nights of lost sleep, a few nightmares, and the invisible pain of his scar without his uncle having to drop everything, close up shop, and start acting as his regent. 

He just feels alone and terrified right now. Rationally terrified of doing badly and messing up his nation for generations to come and irrationally terrified of his father, that he could break out of prison and usurp the throne, and of his past, that his father will hurt him again, that he’ll shoot lightning at him or scar him again. 

Before the sun has risen, he leaves his chamber and heads down in the portrait gallery, trying to figure out how to learn from the mistakes of his ancestors and how to be better than they ever were. Aang and he have been working for the past 2 years to establish Cranefish Town as the capital of a multicultural nation, somewhere where anyone, regardless of where they are from or who they are, can come and live in harmony. A simple idea, but not so simple in the execution, they have had to convince leaders of towns in the area that will become a part of the new nation to agree to the idea. It has not been an easy task to convince the world to consent to what is essentially a social experiment and to allow people from the Fire Nation to once again move to lands in Earth Kingdom territories to live and work beside members of all nations as neighbors and equals. Their hard work seems to finally be paying off though, in a month representatives from all over the world will meet to ratify a constitution and officially found the United Republic of Nations. Before then, Zuko had to work to convince his own people that the United Republic of Nations is a good idea and Aang is supposed to visit next week to discuss details of the summit — what day each issue will be discussed, accommodations for ambassadors and their parties, food that can be served which will not exclude members of any nation — so right now, in the quiet still hours of morning he needs to gather his strength to be prepared for whatever challenges today will bring. On his way to the gallery he stops by the kitchen and makes himself a pot of Oolong tea. It is not as good as Uncle’s but it will hopefully calm him down and wake him up.

Once at the portrait gallery he stares at the tapestry of him as he drinks tea. The larger than life figure stands confidently, surrounded by multicolored fire with a pair of dao swords crossed at his feet. In the portrait he looks so in control, so prepared, so powerful, but feels disconnected from the reality of feeling like a child. He still thinks that there must be some mistake, or that he’s still asleep after Azula’s lightning, or that he’s laying feverish in Ba Sing Se going through his metamorphosis and seeing who he could be. He doesn’t feel like himself when he’s here alone. When Aang and Katara, or Sokka, or Toph, or his uncle, or even Suki are here he feels like himself, the nightmares subside and he’s able to sleep. But Suki’s on leave from being his guard to meetup with Sokka on his trip to visit his sister and everyone else has moved on with their lives, so Zuko is left waiting for Aang’s visit and for Suki to return. Until then he just needs to not mess anything up with his sleep deprivation.

As he finishes his pot of tea, Kenzu comes into the portrait gallery with a small smile playing on his face. “Sir,” He begins, “Ozai is dead.”

_ Dead _ . The concept doesn’t sink in for Zuko.  _ What do you mean he is dead? How can he be dead? _ He doesn’t understand what he has just been told, he doesn’t understand how he should feel, or what needs to happen now. He’s in shock when he asks, “What happened?”

“I did.” Kenzu tells him, “You no longer have to worry about him or the new Ozai Society trying to break him out.”

“How could you?” The young Fire Lord asks, his voice reminding him of a wounded animal.

“I did this for you. You no longer have to be afraid. Your throne is more secure than it has been since you’ve been on it.” Kenzu responds proudly.

“I didn’t ask you to.” Zuko says slowly, unsure of what to say. “Leave. You are no longer welcome here. I’ll allow you to continue to live in the Fire Nation because I don’t want you ending up in the United Republic, but if I see you here again you will be arrested on sight.”

“Sir.” Kenzu says sadly but before he can get another word out he is interrupted.

“Leave.” Zuko responds sternly, trying to hold back both screams and tears. Kenzu rushes out of the room and Zuko is left alone, unable to process his father's death. He should be happy, he’s wanted him dead since the solar eclipse, but now that he is it feels wrong. 

He gives Kenzu a few minutes to clear the hall before leaving the portrait gallery for the prison. As he rushes through the palace, still in his dressing gown and slippers, he suspects that the just waking servants and gardeners think that something is wrong with their Fire Lord, he can feel their eyes on him. When he has to stop to catch his breath halfway to the prison he catches a young woman staring at him, afraid to speak, while she tends to a rose bush.  _ They must think I’m turning into Azula, he _ thinks. He sure looks mad enough, running disheveled, undressed, through the palace at sun up. He’s been concerned about losing his touch with reality since being put on the throne. Sometimes when he cannot sleep, cannot relax he worries that this is it, that he will become unable to rule leaving the nation in the precarious position of having an elderly man with no heirs be the last eligible member of the royal family, but in the past he has been able to think rationally about what he is feeling and is present enough to worry about it. Now the worry of his sanity doesn’t fully register, he is just filled with cold fear about what happens next. What will happen to him now that his father is gone?  _ It shouldn’t change anything  _ he rationalizes. He only talked to his father a handful of times since the war ended, mostly when he was questioning the Harmony Restoration Movement and needed a reminder of what not to turn into, since then he has visited once a year on the spring equinox as a way of reflecting on how much the nation has changed. Practically and logistically, Kenzu was right, Ozai being gone should only make his life easier. Logically, he should be glad to be able to put his father’s abuse behind him and no long have to worry about him stealing the throne. But emotionally, it confuses him, he feels guilty because he’s relieved, sad about his death (even if he doesn’t deserve his sorrow), angry at the past, and fear about the future, leading to him feeling, somehow, both numb and frantic. He bursts through the doors to the prison and is greeted by one of the guards.

“Sir, we found Ozai dead this morning. We don’t know how it happened yet, the palace physician wants to perform an autopsy if you give him permission to.” The young guard tells him, nervously trying to figure out how to talk to his country’s leader, a man barely older than her, about his father’s death. She assumes Zuko already knows about the death, but it feels necessary to comment on it anyways. 

“He was poisoned. Kenzu already confessed, if he is seen on palace grounds again apprehend him.” Zuko explains. “I want to see my father.” Usually he would try to be more polite, more calm, with the young guard, who he isn’t sure if he has met yet, but he doesn’t have the mental energy for that right now. Later, when he is in a better place he will pull her aside, thank her, try to get to know her a bit, but right now he is all business. The young guard leads down the hall and into his father cell. The door to the cell is open and Ozai’s body lies under a cloth. Zuko wants to run away, to go back to his room, hide from the world, send letters to his friends and Uncle, and wait until they arrive, but he’s the Fire Lord, he doesn’t have the luxury of being emotionally self indulgent, he has to push forward. Despite the body resting on the floor in front of him, Zuko can hear his father’s voice chastising him for his hesitation, his fear, and his emotions. He kneels down next to the corpse, pulling the cloth away from the face. Ozai look’s almost peaceful, or if not peaceful, emotionless, stripped of the rage and hatred that defined him in his life. His father, who in his life was cruel and powerful, who commanded whole armies, who declared himself the phoenix king, now seems so small and weak. He hadn’t had power in years, but he still commanded a certain level of respect through fear, the way he’d glare, the way he'd talk gave him power where he had none. Seeing him now, without any of that makes the reality of the situation sink in and he becomes overwhelmed. He feels on the verge of tears but refuses to cry in from the guards. He looks at the woman who led him here, “What is your name?” He asks, softly.

“Mika, sir.” She tells him awkwardly.

“Mika, can you send letters to Iroh in Ba Sing Se and Avatar Aang in Cranefish Town telling them what has happened? Tell them that I would like their counsel.”

“Yes, sir.” She responds, leaving the room.

Zuko turns his attention to the palace doctor who has been standing in the back of the room, “You may perform an autopsy, but I think you will find he was poisoned. The assistant head of security confessed this morning.”

The doctor nods his head and Zuko leaves the room. He breathes deeply, trying to keep himself calm as he walks back towards his chambers. The palace workers may have seen him frantic earlier but if he is able to compose himself that could be written off as simply shock, an endearingly human reaction from a man too young for his position, but if he is seen to fall apart entirely Zuko fear that it will be seen as a sign of weakness, an indication that he is not worthy of his throne. He walks deliberately, not making eye contact with anyone. People try to talk to him, ask him questions or simply try to say hello but he pretends that he doesn’t hear; he just continues forward back into his chamber When he gets back to his chamber he flops into a large arm chair and cries, not for his father but for himself. For the years of suffering he experienced because of Ozai’s cruelty, over the pressures of ruling a postbellum country and trying mend the wrongs his nation has committed over the last hundred years at before he is even 20, and for the fact that his father will never apologize, will never admit he was wrong, and will never tell Zuko he is doing well. Nothing his father could have said would have made a difference, but Zuko wishes he could have had any closure, and now he can no longer get that.  _ This is my fault, _ he thinks. He knows that if he hadn’t said anything about Ozai yesterday Kenzu never would have killed him, he’d be alive in his cell. 

*******************************************************

When Ursa hears about Ozai’s death she feels relieved. She hated living anywhere near him for years. Zuko had asked her and her new family to move into the palace, but at first she hadn’t wanted to accept because she didn’t want to be his proximity, in his reach. When she visited him in jail she realized that he couldn’t hurt her or her children anymore and agreed to move in permanently, but the weight of having her ex husband so nearby had always been a small, constant source of stress. She put up with it because Kiyi loved living in the palace, and her son needed someone around who didn’t just see him as Fire Lord. He’s gonna need her, she realizes; her son was always sensitive, she’s found that that hadn’t changed during her absence, and she knows that he won’t take this well. 

After digesting the news and giving herself a moment to feel guilty about being happy over the situation, Ursa rushes to her son’s chambers. Ty Lee is standing guard in front of Zuko’s chamber’s in her Kiyoshi warrior uniform and stops Ursa before she enters the building. “Is Zuko okay? He aura was way off this morning and he didn’t even say hi when he came in.” She asks.

“Ozai died this morning,” Ursa tells her bluntly and Ty Lee’s face widens in shock, “He’s probably just a bit surprised. Can I go in to see him?”

“Yes, of course. Tell Zuko that all the Kiyoshi warriors and I are here for him if he needs it. We’re all very good listeners.” Ty Lee responds, opening the door.

“I’m sure he already knows.” Ursa says as she enters the large hall that contains the Fire Lord’s chambers. She realises that she’s never actually been in here; she had been banished the night before Ozai was crowned and was never invited here by Azulon, when he wanted to see her she would either be summoned to the throne room or he would show up in her family’s wing of the palace. 

Ursa opens the most well adorned door in the hall and finds it barely lit. A small amount of light is let in through the partial drawn curtains and a small fire burns in the fireplace. In the low light she finds her son huddled on a large chair. It takes him a moment for him to register the presence of another person in the room, though he does not realize who and assumes it must be someone trying to get him to work, but shortly after she comes into the room he snaps, “Whatever it is it can wait.” 

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” She says softly, kneeling down beside him.

“Mom?” He says, surprised to see her. She’s lived in the palace for nearly 2 years, but seeing her still sometimes surprises him. He had gotten so used to life without a mom and is so preoccupied by his duties, that he hasn’t adjusted to having her back with him.

“Yes, I’m here, Zuko. How are you doing?” She asks, already, considering the moroseness of the room, mostly knowing the answer. 

Zuko looks down at his knees, averting eye contact. “I don’t know why I feel this way. He was a horrible Firelord and the worst father I can imagine, but I’m still upset that he’s dead.” 

Ursa grabs her son’s shoulder gently. At first he flinches at the touch but quickly relaxes into it. “It’s okay to not know how you should feel right now. You don’t have to always carry the weight of the world on your shoulders alone. I’m here for you.”

Zuko doesn’t want her to be the one he opens up to. As much as he knows it wasn’t her fault and that she was just trying to protect him, he resents her for leaving all those years ago. Everything got so much worse when she left. Training got harder, punishments got stricter, and he no longer had his mom to comfort him. His mom was gone for so long that even though she is back now, with a new husband and a new daughter, he doesn’t feel like he can go to her anymore. She wasn’t around for the events that weigh on him. She wasn’t there for his Agni Kai with his father, for his banishment, for his travels through the Earth Kingdom, for his return home, for the end of war, and for the start of his reign. He loves her but he also knows that she doesn’t understand him anymore, he’s not the 11 year old he was when she left. They can’t go back to the time before she was banished even though he wishes she could be his confidant. He needs Uncle, but that is going to need to wait until late tonight at the absolute earliest. He needs Uncle’s advice and to talk to someone who has been there for the ups and downs of his life and will be able to truly understand where he is coming from. “I’m fine. I’m sure there is business I have to attend to. If you end up seeing any of them, tell my advisors that I’ll be down soon.”

Ursa stands up to leaving, taking this as a very clear indication that he does not want to leave, but before she leaves she tells him, “I’m sure they will be able to handle the nation for a day if you need to take time to yourself.”

“No.” He says harshly, “You have no idea what I’m going through. You don’t understand anything!”

Ursa looks sadly at her son, hurt by the implication that she doesn’t feel like he can go to her, but understanding that he is in an impossibly difficult situation, and quietly slips out the room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in forever. Life has been busy and I haven't had much time to work on this. Having Iroh in this chapter ended up feeling to cluttered but I'll have a chapter with him up hopefully by the weekend!

For the rest of the day Zuko manages to cope. He’s nauseated, exhausted, and irritable, but he’s able to show his advisors and by extension his nation that he is able to keep working through struggles and that the death of a tyrant is nothing to be mourned. He sits through meetings, barely saying a word, but does not do anything risky. He decides to just tell the nation that Ozai was found dead, he does not say it was natural, but he does not say that he was poisoned. Zuko struggles with figuring out what to do with the body, a dark part of him wants to bury him to keep him locked away from the next world, but he knows he needs to cremate him. The real question is whether he should be cremated quietly, in private, once Iroh arrives or if it should happen publically tomorrow at dusk, as is traditional for Fire Lords. Once his meeting is over he paces to figure out what to do. If it is done quietly the New Ozai Society will accuse him of disrespect and dishonor and might be able to get more people to turn against him, but he does not want to give him the honor of a public funeral. He wants to continue his message that the war was a blight on Fire Nation history and cremating him in a big public ceremony will undermine the message that the Fire Nation cannot continue to glorify their bloody history. 

A palace worker, a young woman, Kazue, tries to get him to eat. He brings Zuko rice, roast duck, and jasmine tea, but even the smell turns his stomach. The whole ordeal has made the idea of food repulsive. It’s always been that way when he’s upset; for months after he was banished Uncle struggled to get him eat much of anything, in the weeks after finding out his great grandfather was Roku he lost most of the weight he had gained in Ba Sing Se and in the Fire Nation, after his coronation Katara would sit him down and wouldn’t let him leave until he had eaten. Hopefully, Zuko thinks, it’ll pass soon, but deep down he knows it will likely take him weeks before he really wants to eat again. He really doesn’t want to go down this path again, but he pushes that worry aside, forcing himself to eat a bowl of rice and a cup of tea as he thinks of what to do with his father’s body.

He doesn’t leave the throne room for hours. He alternates pacing, taking sips of tea that Kazue keeps bringing, and laying on the platform that serves as his throne until long past sundown. He still hasn’t made a decision when Aang arrives with Katara, Sokka, Suki and Toph in tow. When they arrive Zuko is all alone, laying behind a walk of fire.

“Zuko?” Aang asks hesitantly as the group enters the room.  _ Not now, _ Zuko thinks, _ I don’t want to talk to anyone. _ “Are you okay? The guards said you would be here.”

Zuko knows that there is nothing wrong with letting his friends help him, but he’s struggling to allow himself to let his guard down. He doesn’t know what he wants them to say or what he should say to them. Slowly he gets up, walks down to greet them, and speaks, too formally, “Thank you all for coming on such short notice.”

Katara tries to look him in the eyes, but he refuses to make eye contact, “Are you okay?” She asks softly.

“I’m fine.” He tells her, trying to convince himself he’s telling the truth.

Toph knows by the beat of his heart that's a lie, but keeps quiet. He’s uncomfortable already, now is not the time to be calling him out for exposing how he is really feeling.

“Let’s go somewhere more relaxing. This room is too dark and stuffy.” Sokka suggests, knowing even without seismic sense that his friend is not himself. Zuko told him right after he assumed the throne that he hated this room. This was the room where his father was ordered to kill him, where he spoke up in his first war meeting, and where he shamefully stayed quiet in his next one. He said this room is where his father lives the most and that, because of that, he can never feel relaxed here.

Zuko wordlessly leads them through the hall, outside, and into a courtyard with a pond and tree in it’s center. Throughout the walk he can hear Aang whisper to Katara and Suki whisper to Sokka; he knows they are talking about him, but doesn’t feel angry about it, at least not completely. He doesn’t want to hear how tired and upset he looks and would rather them talk to each other right now than to him. He guides them under the tree and sits down beside the pond. They all sit in relative silence for a short while with none of them knowing what to say that could possibly help Zuko. His friends figure that when he wants to say something he will. While staring at the pond Zuko breaks the silence, “I don’t know how to get rid of him. Do I have a public ceremony and treat him as Firelord or do I just burn the body once uncle gets here. What should I do?”

“Whatever you want, Zuko.” Aang tells him, “I don’t think there is a right answer.”

“I want to just do it privately,” Zuko confesses, “But I’m scared. I’m still scared that if I disrespect him like that he’ll try to get to me.”

“He’s dead, he’s not exactly able to hunt you down.” Sokka points out.

“I know.” Zuko says, “It just feels dishonorable.”

“You’re justified in breaking tradition if that is what you are worried about.” Suki tells him. As she speaks he realizes how nice it is to have her back. She’s guarded him since in his first year as Firelord. She’s fought off multiple assisination attempts and is the only person who lives in the palace who knows what he went through at the end of the war. Her presence alone makes him feel a little safer.

“Yeah.” Toph says enthusiastically, “Screw tradition.”

“Thank you all. I think I have made my decision.” Zuko responds, standing up.

“Is there anything else you need?” Aang asks.

“No. I’m glad to see all of you.” The older boy tells the group.

“Well, we’re here for you buddy, for as long as you need us around.” Sokka says.

_ I always need you around,  _ Zuko thinks, even though he knows that it is selfish and impossible. Aang is the Avatar and has his duties, Katara should be with him, Sokka is diplomat, and Toph has her students. The only one who will stay around is Suki, and one day, the altruistic part of him hopes, she will resign to begin her own life with Sokka. Instead of telling them that he wishes they could stay longer than a week, two at the most, he simply says, “Thank you.” With a slight bow. 

“I am happy to be here, but is it okay if I check your heart real quick?” Katara asks.

“Of course.” He says standing up. He gestures for everyone to head towards the main complex. Zuko leads the way through the halls to a section of rooms adjacent to his own chambers, a set of rooms everyone there is familiar with. They lived here for weeks right after the war. Here they worried about Zuko as he laid unconscious in one of the bedrooms, here Sokka stubbornly refused Katara’s healing so that she’d save her energy, here they comforted each other in the uncertain days after the comet. Since then everyone of them had been here multiple times, but these rooms and those first weeks after the war will forever be intertwined in all their heads. 

“Why don’t you grab our stuff from Appa while look at Zuko’s heart.” Katara says to Aang, kissing his cheek. He leaves the room smiling gently with everyone but Katara and Zuko following him. Zuko undoes his top buttons and lies down, allowing Katara to bend water on his chest. Her brow furls a little as she examines his heart, not because it is in dangerous rhythm or is beating erratically, it feels fine but is beating hard and fast, showing her what she has suspected since arriving, the Fire Lord is a lot less okay than he is trying to let on. The examination takes a little longer than normal because the fast beat made her want to double and triple check her work. She knows there's nothing physically to heal, that her previous sessions with him have rebuilt the muscle to be as strong as it was before he was struck with lightning, that there are no problems with the valves or circuitry of his heart, but just she wants to help him. 

“Your heart looks okay.” She assures him as she removes her hand from him, “But I can tell you are feeling...” She doesn’t know exactly what he is feeling. Anxiety? Grief? Stress? Anger? After a slight hesitation she concludes with, “Uncomfortable. Is there anything I can do to help you?” 

Zuko sits up and buttons his collar, “I don’t think so. He just died this morning, it’s just a lot to deal with.” He pauses before admitting, “It’s my fault. I said I wanted to be rid of him and someone made it happen.”

“You have nothing to feel guilty about.” Katara tells him.

“I wanted him dead though. Someone did it for me.” Zuko tells her.

“Did you ask that person to kill him?” She asks and he shakes his head in return, “Did you actually say you wanted him dead?” He shakes his head again, “Then you did nothing wrong.” She concludes, as the rest of the group walks back into the room. Aang holds a bag over each shoulder while everyone else just carries one. 

“How’s Sparky’s heart looking?” Toph asks.

“It looks good,” Katara responds as she grabs her bag from Aang. They all packed light, not that they are that accustomed to carrying that many possessions, but now that her and Aang have effectively moved into a building of air acolytes, they have both been accumulating more belongings – clothes, bending scrolls, decorations, even a little bit of makeup for Katara – things they left behind as they rushed to make it to the Fire Nation as quickly as possible. 

They each choose their rooms, Aang and Katara take one, Sokka takes another which Suki says she’ll stay in because she is technically off duty for a few more days, and Toph takes the last room in the suite. Back when they first stayed here they all shared a single room, the room Sokka has claimed, Zuko laid somewhere between life and death in the room that Aang and Katara now share, and Iroh was technically put up in Toph's room, though for the days Zuko was unconscious and barely clinging to this world none of them ever saw him leave his nephew’s side. Once Zuko was awake and safe, he chose to stay in a separate suite for a few days before returning to Ba Sing Se. As Katara drops her bag off in the room, she is confronted with the memories attached to it. She remembers spending nights in here, not sleeping, trying her hardest to get her friend to wake up, to show any sign of improvement. She remembers pretending to not notice Iroh silently crying on the couch after the Fire Sages suggested they build a pyre for Zuko that would either be used to burn his body or by him to offer a sacrifice in gratitude to spirits for sparing his life. She remembers the flood of relief that came from Zuko’s eyes finally opening. And she remembers bringing Zuko back into this room to rest after he burned the pyre meant for him. She places her bag on the couch that Iroh occasionally slept on during those horrible few days and goes back into the sitting room to keep Zuko company. 

No one is bothering to unpack right now so quickly the room fills back up and everyone begins to chat, pretending like this was a planned trip, a simple visit to see a good friend. None of them know how to respond to the death of a man they all wished dead, so no one addresses it. Sokka tells stories of the Southern Water Tribe. He tells them how before he left for Cranefish Town to visit he went to the naming of a baby girl with a two-year-old brother and felt proud because those children were born into a world at peace because of the actions of him and his friends. Toph boasts about her school, she jokes about how hard it is to keep students focused, but concedes, with a smile, that they are making progress. Aang talks enthusiastically about how the Air Acolytes have been growing and how he might need to expand beyond their apartment building. He tells them about how, even though none of them are benders, they give him the connection to the past that he needed and that he wishes they had a temple of their own. Throughout the whole conversation, Zuko stays nearly silent, only making a comment when someone directly addresses him. It’s obvious to everyone that the Fire Lord is not himself, he seems distracted and not fully present in the moment. At one point during the conversation Sokka gets up to ask one of the palace servants if he could bring them some food. They had left as soon as they got the hawk, picked up Toph, and flew directly here without anytime to eat a proper meal. A few minutes later they are brought a large container of noodles in a spicy sauce with 6 bowls so they eat as they tell stories and catch up. Zuko’s bowl goes untouched.

When everyone is finished eating Zuko stands up, “It has been a long day.” He tells them, “I’ll see you all in the morning.” He says as he leaves the room. Sokka wants to get him to stay, to resist being alone right now, but he knows his friend. Zuko does not like to be told what to do, if Sokka tried to convince him to stay in the mood he is in he would have stormed out the room with rage added to his current emotional weight, so he lets him go. Once Zuko is out of the room, everyone goes back to their own rooms and tries to sleep. It feels weird for Suki to be back in the Fire Nation and to have Sokka next to her in the large bed. He falls asleep right away, but she lies awake. She feels like she has to be in high gear to help and protect Zuko and it doesn’t seem like she’s doing her job laying in bed. Next door Aang and Katara whisper about their concern before falling asleep. Toph lays on the floor by choice and feels the coming and goings of guards as she falls asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I am such trash at updating. My health has been kind of trash lately (but on the bright side I am now messed up enough to have doctors take me seriously and not just write me off) so I haven't had the energy to do anything except for housework and school, but I am hoping to start updating more regularly once finals are over.

In the middle of the night a ship pulls into harbor from Ba Sing Se, among the vegetables being delivered rests an elderly man. As the dock workers unload the goods, Iroh thanks the young captain of the ship for allowing him to join him on the way to the Fire Nation capital and, with sincerity, tells him that when they are both back in Ba Sing Se he will invite him to the upper ring for a cup of tea. The old general weaves his way through quiet city streets and to the gates of the palace, he lowers his hood for the guard who recognizes him as the revered Dragon of the West and allows him in. He makes his way upstairs and to the Firelord’s apartment in the castle because his nephew always has him stay in one of the extra bedrooms there. The Kiyoshi Warrior standing guard at the door allows him through without question, but when he gets inside he finds his nephew pacing the halls.

“Uncle,” The young man says as he notices his uncle enter the hall, “I didn’t think you’d arrive until morning.”

“I got on the first boat I could find.” His uncle tells him, pulling him into a hug. 

“I’m glad you’re here.” Zuko says, not returning the embrace, but not rejecting it either. 

Iroh lets go of his nephew and looks at him when he asks, “What’s on your mind?”

“It’s the middle of night,” Zuko says, “It can wait until morning.” 

“Zuko, I can stay up as long as you need me. A few extra hours of lost sleep is worth it if it will help you gain more. When was the last time you got a full night's rest?” Iroh asks. He had noticed the sag in the Firelord’s shoulder as soon as he came in, but assumed it was from the weight of the day, but seeing the bags under his eyes tells him that this is not simply grief or a single night of insomnia.

“Get some rest uncle, nothing is going to be resolved at this time of night.” Zuko responds, ignoring his Iroh’s question. He’s ashamed to admit the truth to his uncle about how the nightmares have woken him up in the dead of night every night for the last week. He can’t tell him that those nightmares lead to his fathers death.

“Very well,” Iroh says, “Get some sleep, Zuko. You cannot care for a nation if you do not care for yourself.” He adds as he enters the room that is perpetually prepared for him. It did not register with him how exhausting this day has been until he sees the large bed in the middle of the room. He woke up before dawn to open the Jasmine Dragon. He received a message about his brother’s death just a few hours later. He packed a bag as quickly as he could, rushed on the train to the outer wall, found a cart heading to the river’s dock, and from there found a man making a delivery to the Fire Nation capital who was kind enough to allow him on his boat without question or judgement. For over 10 hours he sat on the boat, talking to the deck hands and wondering what he would find upon his return home, too preoccupied by thoughts of worry and by the mixed feelings of grief he feels about his brother’s death to feel tired. He is asleep as soon as his head hits the soft pillow. 

As his uncle sleeps soundly, Zuko lays in his own bed. Eventually, he falls into a short lived sleep, plagued by troubled dreams. 

In his dream he is meeting Ran and Shaw, but this time he is alone. He stands on the top of the platform staring at the masters as they move. He tries to perform the dancing dragon, but cannot get the steps right, falling as he nears the end. The blue dragon stops circling him, looks into his eyes. The dragon incircles him in flames, not the beautiful multicolored flames that he saw the truth of fire bending in, but in an inferno that fills him with heat and licks at his face. A bolt of lightning breaks through the flames and Zuko redirects it away from him. The fire stops and as the smoke clears he watches the bolt hit the dragon. It falls onto the ground in a motionless lump. Zuko crumples to the ground and is pulled into a pit of darkness as the red dragon dives in to attack. He wakes with a shout and turns over in bed so he faces the door, exhausted yet unable to sleep. Less than a minute after Zuko’s yell, Iroh rushes into the room ready to defend his nephew.

“What are you doing in here?” Zuko asks, sitting up.

“I heard a scream, are you alright?” The former general responds, scanning the room for any potential threat. 

“I’m fine uncle, go back to bed.” Zuko responds. He’s nearly 20, he’s the ruler of a nation, he doesn’t need someone to take care of him.

“Zuko, why did you shout?” Iroh questions.

“It’s nothing.” Zuko says tersely.

“Did you have a nightmare?” The older man asks, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I said it's nothing.” Zuko snaps back. 

“There is no shame in having nightmares, you have had an eventful life and a difficult day. It is natural that your mind is not at ease.” Iroh consoles him. 

In response, Zuko falls silent and tries to hold back the flood of emotions he wanted to wait until morning to sort through, but is too tired to hide what he feels and silent tears stream down his face. “I should be able to face my nation and lead them into a new era, but how can I do that if I cannot move forward?” He asks.

“Your past is what shaped you as a man. You cannot escape it without betraying yourself. In order to lead authentically you must be authentically yourself.” Iroh advises him, “We can never be free of our fears and griefs but we can work to make it so they do not control us.”

“I can’t do that, I’ve tried but I cannot separate the past that shaped me from the feelings of fear and grief.” Zuko confesses.

“Allow yourself to remember the pain, but work on remembering the good with it. You must learn to balance the light and the dark and slowly, as you learn, you will be able to find more light in your life. It won’t be easy but I promise that one day, if you work at it now, you will no longer have to make an effort to see the good and it will illuminate your life.” Iroh tells him.

“I just can’t feel what I need to feel. For the sake of the Fire Nation I have to be strong, to speak objectively on my father’s murder. But I’m not objective and I know what to do about it.” Zuko cries.

“In this difficult time you have to allow yourself time to be vulnerable. It doesn’t have to be in front of the nation, but you need to allow yourself to say and feel what you believe.” His uncle advises.

“I am the Fire Lord. I can’t allow myself to be weak.” Zuko insists.

“Being upset at your father’s death does not make you weak. Ignoring the pain only causes more pain.” Iroh says.

“You don’t understand. After my first assassination attempt I couldn’t sleep so I tried to talk to one of Azula’s doctors about what I was feeling and the next day my whole council knew what I had told him. I can’t trust anyone in the Fire Nation. Not really.” The young ruler explains.

“You can talk to more than just Azula’s physicians. There are people in this world who you can confide in.” The older man says. 

“Who, uncle?” Zuko asks. He’s so alone here. Uncle and his friends don’t live in the Fire Nation, his mom feels a world away, and he hasn’t had a girlfriend since Mai broke up with him. He liked being with Mai not because he really had romantic feelings for her but because she was a good friend for him and he felt comfortable telling her what was bothering him. She was kind to him and, against all expectations, comforting but he doesn’t think he ever truly loved her in the way she deserves. 

“Me. Your friends.” Iroh answers, “Even though I do not live here, I will always come back when you need me. It might take me a day or two to get here, but I will come. I am here now, what is on your mind?”

Zuko allows himself to tell his uncle everything. He tells him about how some small part of him still wanted his father to love him, the nightmares, the meeting with Kenzu, seeing his father’s body, and his struggles regarding the funerary rights. He admits to feelings of loneliness that have been silently consuming him for weeks. He even mentions his fears about not having an heir. It’s an issue that has been bugging him since the beginning of his reign, he needs to secure power for the next generation, but the idea of marrying and having children terrifies him. He doesn’t want a wife and, although he does like children, he is terrified of messing any kids he might up like he was. When the first peace agreement they reached was accepted Zuko had made Aang promise to kill him if he ever acted like his father, but backed out of the deal after realizing that that was too much to ask of the young avatar. Still if he ever laid an angry hand on his hypothetical child he would still want Aang, or anyone, to follow through on that promise. He needs an heir but is terrified of having one. He tells Iroh everything, well nearly everything, he has been holding in and Iroh lets him talk. He stops talking shortly before the sun begins to rise and he manages to fall back asleep. 

Once Zuko is sleeping, Iroh leaves quietly, careful not to wake his nephew. He sticks his head out the door and asks the Kiyoshi warrior standing in front to not have anyone come in to wake Zuko unless absolutely necessary. Most matters, including matters of state, Iroh has come to learn, especially in his old age, can wait until after a night’s rest and a cup of tea. He could tell just how much has been on Zuko’s mind recently and he knows that you can only push someone so far before they break. He hopes that their talk and a few hours will loosen the tension that has been building in his nephew’s mind and prevent him from snapping. 

Iroh can’t fall back asleep. He’s concerned for his nephew. It's obvious to him that there is more at play here than grief, even the complicated grief of losing an abusive father. The death might have exacerbated what he was already feeling, but the anxieties Zuko shared weren’t new. Iroh’s goal is, as it has been for years, to not just protect Zuko, but enable him to thrive and right now he is at a loss. He knows that if he asks, or even insists, on staying here for longer than just a week or two Zuko will reject the offer. Over the last three years the Firelord has been abundantly clear that he doesn’t want Iroh to leave the life he loves for his sake. 

Last year, just a few days before Zuko was supposed to visit Ba Sing Se for a diplomatic visit, an assassin snuck into the palace dressed as a gardener and, while Zuko was resting in the garden, attacked him. Zuko managed to fight off the assailant but was wounded in the scuffle and delayed his trip for a few days to recover. The morning after the attack Iroh received a hawk from his nephew telling him that he would arrive later than expected because of some “domestic issues” he had to deal with. Iroh didn’t know what happened until that afternoon when some palace guards came in for tea and told Iroh they heard that the Firelord had been stabbed. When Zuko arrived the next week, Iroh asked why he didn’t say anything and his nephew said he didn’t want him to worry, that he was fine and he didn’t want Iroh to feel the need to come back to the Fire Nation. Iroh ended up lecturing him until he agreed to be more honest with him, but Iroh can still tell that his nephew only half listened. He’s worried that everything Zuko told him is only the tip of the iceberg. He doesn’t know what else there could be, but the sudden honesty concerns him. Over the course of the next two weeks, until he returns to Ba Sing Se, Iroh vows to figure out if there is anything else bothering Zuko and plans to do everything in his power to make sure his nephew is able to get back on the path towards, if not happiness, emotional stasis.


	5. Chapter 5

Once the sun has cleared the horizon, Iroh gives up on sleep. Before he leaves the chambers he tells one of the guards where we will be and to come get him as soon as Zuko wakes up. In the quiet morning air, before the hustle and bustle of the day begins, the palace is quiet. He gives some brief greetings to the workers throughout the palace and makes his way to the kitchen to get a pot of tea with a few cups, one for himself and a few extra in case anyone seemed like they needed a good cup of tea. He thanks the woman who hands him the pot with a smile and settles into his favorite garden in the palace. He sits on a patch of grass among the tall winding hedges and pours himself a cup of tea. He takes his time to process his last day, and to consider what the country and his nephew might need. He’d be happy to serve as regent for a few weeks if that's what is necessary, but he knows Zuko will reject that unless it becomes undeniable that he needs to step in. He just hopes that Zuko will seem a lot more like himself after some much needed rest.   
Surrounded by the flower and bushes, he feels himself relax a bit as he sips his tea. He is deep in thought when Ursa and her husband wander through the garden with their young daughter, Kiyi, pointing out every different type of bug and flower she can find. When the family runs into Iroh the young girl excitedly runs towards him, “Uncle Iroh!” She yells, “I thought you were still far away!”

Ursa gently places a hand on her daughter’s shoulder to prevent her from tackling the older man in her excitement and tells him, “Sorry, I’ve tried to explain to her that you aren’t technically her uncle, but I don’t know if she understands.”

“If she wants me as an uncle I can be one. I already seem to have been adopted by a few other kids.” He responds with a light chuckle, thinking of the avatar and his friends who he knows to be somewhere in the palace. Iroh places his cup of tea on the ground beside him and greets each of them with a hug, before sitting back down, “Would you like a cup of tea?” He asks Ursa.

“That would be lovely.” His, at one time, sister in law responds. “Noren?” She turns to her husband, “Could you take Kiyi to get some breakfast? There is something I would like to discuss with Iroh.”

“Of course,” The man supplies as he gently grabs his daughter's hand and kisses Ursa on the cheek, “Come on, Ki, let’s get something to eat.”

“But I want to show Uncle Iroh what I’ve been learning.” The young girl complains.

Iroh smiles as he assures her, “I’ll be here when you are done eating. We have some grown up things to talk about.”

Kiyi pouts as her father leads her away, but she goes without much resistance. While the rest of her new family reenters the place Ursa sits down on the grass. As Iroh prepares their teas Ursa asks, “When did you get in?”

“Late last night.” He says, handing a cup of hot tea to her.

“Have you had a chance to talk to my son? When I talked to him yesterday he seemed distracted.” She says after a brief pause as figure out how to express his outburst at her without sounding dramatic. She may have been banished and only brought back due to extraordinary circumstances, but she is still, at her core, an aristocrat, and as someone of her former status, she was taught upon arriving at the palace those many years ago to choose her words carefully.   
Iroh nods, “We talked as soon as I arrived.” He leaves out the details of his nephew pacing the halls, of the dam breaking and him spilling his fears. It goes without saying that Zuko is affected by Ozai’s death, but Iroh does not want to worry Ursa unnecessarily. 

“How did he seem?” Ursa asks, not as subject of the Firelord, but as a concerned mother, worried about the son who changed so much in her absence.

“He has a lot on his mind.” Iroh tells her. When he sees the harsh frown set upon Ursa’s face at his evaluation he adds, “But if I know anything about my nephew it is that he is persistent. No matter what happens he is able to come out of the other side stronger and more resilient.”

“I worry about him.” She admits, “He was so angry yesterday. I’ve never seen him like that, at least not since he was a child. Since we found each other he’s been so kind. I know he is under pressure, but he’d never yelled at me before.” Ursa tells him with a shaky voice.

Iroh cracks the smallest smile, not out of happiness, but because of the irony of Ursa’s statement. For his whole banishment Zuko was angry, he’d yell, he’d seeth, and he’d rage, but his mother never knew him like that. After all when she was banished it was before he had become bitter and disillusioned. It was because of her disappearance that he began to close himself off from the world, to bottle up his emotions until they overflowed as anger. “I would be more worried if he wasn’t angry. For the years we were traveling together anger was how he dealt with it. He couldn’t change his luck but it gave him drive, it was what allowed to maintain hope even in the face of hopelessness.” As he speaks he is flooded with the memory of finding Zuko curled up, shivering and soaked with rain, still crying out at the dying storm overhead to strike him. That moment, the moment Iroh saw all of Zuko’s grief bubble over, not into fury but into sadness, was perhaps one of the most terrifying of those final years of the war. More terrifying than breaking out of prison or liberating Ba Sing Se. In that moment he had been worried that his greatest fear for his nephew had been realized. He had been worried that Zuko had given up, that he had given into despair, and fallen away from him. Iroh had eventually coaxed him off the mountain top and back into the shack where they had been staying. He had made his nephew a warm cup of tea and watched as Zuko fell asleep for, what Iroh suspected was, the first time in days. In the days that followed, he kept a close eye on his nephew, trying to see if he was merely himself together and could crumble at any time or if that moment on the mountain top, trying to prove himself and not caring what would happen if he failed, was simply a passing moment of despair. Iroh remembers the relief that came with seeing the wrath return, it told him that Zuko was still fighting. Anger might have been a wall Zuko would put up, but at least that wall provided support. “Anger means that he is still himself, that he isn’t numb to the world. As long as there is rage there is hope.” Iroh explains. 

Ursa pauses as she sips from the warm cup of jasmine tea. It disturbs her that anger has become so much a part of her son. Her sweet, sensitive little boy who she tried, and failed to, to protect. And it bothers her even more to not have known how much anger he carries, how much it became a part of how he sees the world. “I suppose he doesn’t tell me everything.” She responds quietly.  
“He just wants to protect you.” Iroh responds, “A lot happened to him during your banishment and he doesn’t to worry you, but he’ll get through this.” I’ll make sure he does, He thinks to himself.

The tears that have been forming in the corners of Ursa’s eyes since she sat down begin to flow, “Why won’t he trust me?”  
Iroh sighs, he has often felt the same way. His nephew’s refusal to reach out frustrates him to no end, but it isn’t Ursa’s fault anymore than it was his fault when they were banished. “I don’t know if he really trusts anyone.” He explains.

His comfort doesn’t help as the worried mom says through tears, “If I had protected him better maybe he would be able to.”

“If he had been protected he wouldn’t have become the man he is and the world would be a lot worse off.” Iroh responds without a moment’s hesitation. It’s something he has to remind himself everytime he looks at his nephew and sees the scar that covers half his face. Zuko is only the strong, resilient, kind, and just man he is today because of the suffering he endured. He told Zuko something similar the night before but he still has to remind himself of that fact constantly whenever he feels the pain of grief for his son or a twinge of guilt for bringing Zuko into that war meeting. That none of them would be who they are without their hardship.   
Ursa tries to dry her eyes with her sleeve, but the tears haven’t quite stopped flowing, “I know.” She explains, “I just wish I’d been there for him. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for him, to be here with his father or banished and sent off to capture the avatar. It must have been horrible for him and I feel like a horrible mother for allowing it to happen and for forgetting he was my son. Why did I make that decision? How horrible of a mother did I have to be to do that?” 

“I think,” Iroh begins hesitantly, “You did it out of pain and out of love. You thought you would never be able to see him again so instead of suffering from grief you chose to end it by ending the memory of him.” He knows the desire to forget well. After the siege of Ba Sing Se he wanted to forget so much. He wanted to forget his son's body lying on the battlefield and at points wished he could forget being a father in the first place. He understands that sometimes when you are drowning in grief, when every breath stings, you’d welcome any liferaft.   
After taking a breath, Ursa tells him, “When I held Kiyi for the first time, I felt like I understood everything. I understood how to be a mother and I thought it was just a maternal instinct kicking in, but it wasn’t was it? I was just remembering. When I saw her she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, but I felt so sad. I felt like something was missing. The midwife told me it would come to me, that some mothers need time before they bond with their child, but I was more than that. I think I knew I had done something horrible and the guilt was bubbling up.” She tells him, unable to stop the words from flowing out. The dam broke for her just like it had for Zuko the night before, like mother like son Iroh thinks. Ursa needed to tell someone about it, she has tried to talk to Noren about her guilt over abandoning her children, but even though she knows he loves her, he doesn’t understand how much her children changed in her absence. Even if she explains otherwise, he will never know that Azula, while always cold and cruel, was not mad when she left. He will never know Zuko as the little boy who would tell her what he was feeling, only as the kind, though reserved, ruler he is today. He will never understand that, because of her, there are scars beyond those that are skin deep that she thinks she would have prevented. 

“If you had stayed you both would have been killed. You were forced into an impossible situation, but because of you Zuko had a chance at life. A life he only was able to live because of your sacrifice.” Iroh comforts.

“Thank you.” Ursa says, drying her eyes. The two sit in silence finishing their tea and taking solace in the quiet of the garden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am mostly done with the next chapter as well so I hope to have that up soon!


End file.
